Monday, October 1, 2012

Staring with Amber (PitchOn Pre-Event Pitch Workshop)

As part of the build-up to PitchOn people were offered the chance to send in their 50-70 word pitches to get feedback PRIOR to entering them in the contest. YOU CAN STILL ENTER TO HAVE YOUR PITCH WORKSHOPPED. Here's the post with the deets.

Remember this is a blog hop - be sure to go visit the other host blogs and comment/help other entrants hone their pitches. AND for each critique you leave in the comments of the blogs, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from one of the following: Sharon JohnstonLarissa HardestyStephanie DiazCatherine ScullyJodie AndrefskiPaula SangareTalynn and Kaitlin Adams. Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.



UPDATED PITCH 10/1: 

Title: Starting With Amber <--- note change
Genre: Contemporary YA
Word-count: 50,000


Teenage Seth and his family are thrown into a media feeding frenzy when his child-star sister is abducted from their grandios family home. As the investigation deepens and the time for finding his sister runs out, Seth must decide if being the only person who knows where she is and why is worth the price of the family secrets.




So here is the ORIGINAL PITCH of Staring with Amber:
Title: Staring With Amber
Genre: Contemporary YA
Word-count: 50,000
Pitch: A brutal abduction of a child star. A media feeding frenzy. Everyone is asking where Annalise is, but there seem to be a whole lot of other answers coming up instead, because everyone in town has a secret, and they're all connected to each other, one way or another. Only teenager brother Seth knows where his sister really is and why.    


~~~
Before I suggest anything I just had a couple of general comments. 

One, I'm not sure about the title. How does one use amber to stare? Plus there's no reference to Amber at all in the pitch. Was there, perhaps, a typo? Is the title supposed to be Starring with Amber, which make a little more sense as you do have a child 'star', although I'm not quite sure who Amber is. I think having some link to the title in the pitch is helpful.

Length is a bit on the short side but not unreasonably short. (The Swivet has a great post on *her* take on genres and novel lengths which I've found really helpful. Yes, it's just one agent's 'take' but still useful, IMO.)

Okay, onto the meat. 

This seems to be a pitch about someone who is abducted, the underbelly of the town (she was abducted in? she grew up in?) and, oh, she has a brother who knows where she is and why.

Line by line break down:

A brutal abduction of a child star. 
Is this person the main character? If so you might want to say 'teenage star'. If not then you may need to rewrite this. Right now, given she's the first person I'm introduced to AND she's the focus of these first couple of sentences, I'm thinking Annalise is the main character.

A media feeding frenzy.
I'm not sure you need this here. You may be better served to put it later and tie it into the 'answers coming up'.

Everyone <-- This is too vague, you need a specific person/entity. For instance you could merge this with the previous sentence and say 'The Media is asking...'.

is asking where Annalise is, but there seem to be a whole lot of other answers coming up instead, because everyone in town has a secret, and they're all connected to each other, one way or another. 
You need to break this sentence down into smaller, clearer bits:
is asking where Annalise is, 

but there seem to be a whole lot of other answers coming up instead, 
I found this awkwardly phrased. And, to be honest, I'm not sure what this has to do with your main character, Annalise. I think you need to keep your focus on her, not what is going on around her, unless there is a direct tie? 

because everyone in town has a secret,
Connect this in someway to the story--> say Seth is keeping a secret, his sister's whereabout or some to tie this to the main character. Right now the focus is on the town and the people, and not the journey of your protagonist. 


and they're all connected to each other, one way or another. 
I love this idea, but you should tighten it, make it more impact by making it visual --> and they're all connected like threads in a spider's web OR, again, making it relevant to the protagonist --> And Annalise's secret is the one they can't afford to have uncovered.


Only teenager brother Seth knows where his sister really is and why.
I think you need a stronger ending here, leave us with what BAD thing would happen if the secret comes out and wondering what the lengths are people are willing to go through to keep it hidden perhaps. Or tell us more about why Seth is keeping this secret and his stake in the outcome of either her remaining hidden or being found.

Going on what you have (and not having a clue on the rest of the book -- I apologize in advance if this is way off!) here's a possible rewrite: 

When teen star Annalise is kidnapped only her brother Seth knows the truth of where she is and why. As the media frenzy builds and journalists uncover secrets their town wants hidden, they must decide if Annalise's secret is theirs to tell. Or if keeping the truth hidden is worth the price their friends and family are paying.

Still not sure that shows enough of her journey, but it's a jumping off point if you want to use it. Again, I don't know the story so this could be terribly off!

Now, that's just ONE opinion. Let's see what others have to say. :-)

Oh, and if this is YOUR pitch and you want to revise and have me post it, just drop me a line (my email is my blog title - elliewrites2 - in front of a gmail.com ending) and I'll add it up to the top.

Don't forget to visit the other blogs and leave a critique to be entered for a chance to win one of several start-of-manuscript or query critique opportunities. 


9 comments:

  1. Gosh Ellie you're good! How can I add to that? I do agree the word count is a little low, that was the first thing that struck me.
    The first two sentences feel jumpy? They need to introduce the MC and the source of conflict.
    That middle chunk is a long wordy sentence I had to read a couple of times to understand.
    I hope that helps, and good luck!

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  2. Ellie is spot on! The pitch lacks specifics about who the hero is, what he/she wants and what stands in the way. For all we know, Seth could be the hero, trying to save his sister, but it's not clear. I get how the writer is trying to make it sound like headlines at first, but I'm afraid it's too gimmicky. Go back to the basics: who's my hero? All stories are about characters we want to love, so give us readers someone to love. :)

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  3. Like this one a lot better, more of a feeling who the protagonist is and a bit more of the stakes.

    We are getting a lot closer!

    Teenage Seth and his family are thrown into a media feeding frenzy when his child-star sister is abducted from their grandios family home.
    I'm pretty old school and you don't have to do it this way, but you might want to lead with the 'cause' before the 'effect' -- which is close to what you did in your original query, but you've streamlined it here. Me, I'd add some imagery if you have the room:
    When his child-star sister is abducted from their grandios family home fifteen year old Seth and his family find themselves living in the fishbowl of media frenzy over the event.

    ~~
    As the investigation deepens and the time for finding his sister runs out, Seth must decide if being the only person who knows where she is and why is worth the price of the family secrets.

    Here is my question: is this reflective of the first third of your book or are you telling the whole book here? If this is the whole thing, think about introducing us by using the set up that makes him decide to keep the secret and not tell rather than the later debate about if he should continue lying about what he knows. Because at some point someone has to ask him if he knows/saw/can offer any information and he's going to make -- or have made for him a decision to NOT say anything. So what I want to know is, if it is the former - he decides - WHY he decides and then the book becomes somewhat about the consequences of his action, right? OR if it's the former and there's an external force making him keep quiet I want to have an inkling about that.

    For example (former)
    Seth knows where she is, knows she is in danger, but also knows telling where she is will break her trust in him, even as the reporters and detectives press him for any clue he may have.

    For example (former)
    Seth knows where she is, knows she is in danger, but realizes the danger she faces from her captors is far less cruel than the dangers lurking in the secrets at home.

    An example (latter)
    Seth is aware of the danger she is in, but knows they both have a far greater likelihood of surviving if he just keeps his mouth shut.

    So the first sentence is the set up of the situation and the catalyst - the action which starts the protagonists reaction to the situation. The second sentence is his *first* reaction to that situation and should include either internal or external influences as to WHY he made that decision.

    Then the third sentence brings up the 'raised stake' caused by his reaction and how/why he needs to rethink this and should include a *bad* thing which might happen if he doesn't:

    When his child-star sister is abducted from home fifteen-year-old Seth and his family find themselves in a fishbowl of media frenzy. Seth knows where she is and why, and realizes there's a far greater likelihood of survival if he just keeps his mouth shut. As family secrets are uncovered Seth must place a value on lives, his, his sister's and his family's, because some secrets can kill you.

    Now, again, don't know the story well enough and it probably doesn't fit, but I'm giving that as an example of the structure I think would work for your query.

    Hope it helps.

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  4. Wow, I really like the new version at the top. It is very clear now that we are following Seth's journey and I think the build up is great. The concept is interesting from the first line, but saving his knowledge of her abduction for later has a nice impact. Well done.

    The only thing I might change at this point is specifying his age instead of using "teenage Seth"

    Good luck :)

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  5. I really like this new version, and Ellie's comments on it. I also think it sounds great! Just wanted to say I agree that it needs a 'raised stake'. If he knows where she is and why (eg has she hidden/run away/she's perfectly safe) that didn't fit with the abduction to me. Is the conflict to break her trust or reveal family secrets or he daren't say because it would put her in more danger? I think I needed a little more idea of that (without giving away the whole plot of course). Really good luck with this.

    Ellie - thanks for the link to the word count post!

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  6. As a PS have linked to you Ellie and the word count link you rec in a post on my blog, hope that's ok.

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  7. Thank you so SO much for the wonderful insights you have all offered. I am going to digest some of them today and see what I can do to streamline this and add higher stakes. You guys are truly amazing. Thank you SO much.

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  8. What more could be said? The suggestions here sound amazing so I'm not for sure what to add in my little comment!

    Ellie, I would roll over and do back flips if you could take a look at mine I've at 2000 words (Jodie). It's Memories of Me. I need to make my stakes higher too, but I guess the way I worded it just didn't get the stakes good enough.
    Thanks, and I hope to see your comments! Talynn

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    Replies
    1. Your advice was tremendous! I revised it if you want to take a look at what you accomplished!
      THANKS!!!!!!

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