Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Never the Hero (PitchOn Pre-Event Pitch Workshop)

As part of the build-up to PitchOn people were offered the chance to send in their 50-70 word pitches to get feedback PRIOR to entering them in the contest. YOU CAN STILL ENTER TO HAVE YOUR PITCH WORKSHOPPED. Here's the post with the deets.

Remember this is a blog hop - be sure to go visit the other host blogs and comment/help other entrants hone their pitches. AND for each critique you leave in the comments of the blogs, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from one of the following: Sharon JohnstonLarissa HardestyStephanie DiazCatherine ScullyJodie AndrefskiPaula SangareTalynn and Kaitlin Adams. Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.


UPDATED PITCH:

Nineteen-year-old Krystin has always been told she’d be the hero who would team up with her true love to prevent a war that would make armageddon look like child’s play. But Krystin doesn’t believe it, and her “true love” almost died last year by her hands. It was an accident and now Krystin must reunite with him despite everything, or risk starting the very war she was supposed to prevent.


First revision:

Nineteen-year-old Krystin learned lessons about being a hero the hard way: be moral, don’t kill, and most of all, don’t let your friends get caught in the crosshairs. Krystin failed at all three. Now she must repair her relationship with her old flame, Shawn, to fulfill their prophecy for Good and save an ancient city from destruction, or risk starting a war that will make armageddon look like child’s play.



Original pitch for Never the Hero:
Title: Never the Hero
Genre: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Word-count: 61,000
Pitch: A year after she almost killed him and the rest of their demon-hunting team, nineteen year old Krystin discovers the prophecy she and her ex-boyfriend Shawn are a part of is coming true. They are left with a single choice: reunite and fight to save an ancient city from an evil darker than they were trained to handle, or walk away laughing, possibly starting the Final War for all sides.

Okay here's my line by line take:


A year after she almost killed him and the rest of their demon-hunting team, nineteen year old Krystin discovers the prophecy she and her ex-boyfriend Shawn are a part of is coming true.

One: this is a really long sentence with a LOT of information in it. Two: you shouldn't use pronouns like 'she' and 'he' until you introduce the characters. So *just* changing the pronouns, it now reads:
A year after nineteen-year-old Krystin almost killed her ex-boyfriend and the rest of their demon-hunting team, she discovers the prophecy they are a part of is coming true.

That's a little tighter. Think about tightening this further by making the two parts into distinct sentences I pulled something from later in the pitch to show a sample of  'how':

A year ago nineteen-year-old Krystin almost got her ex-boyfriend and the rest of their demon hunting team killed. Now she discovers (HOW?) an evil darker than even the demons they were trained to handle making its insidious way into an ancient city. A sign the prophecy joining them is... 
Not a big fan of coming true. Maybe just true?

Okay let's look at the next line:
They are left with a single choice: reunite and fight to save an ancient city from an evil darker than they were trained to handle, or walk away laughing, possibly starting the Final War for all sides.

First when you have a 'choice' then it can't be a single choice, it could be a set of choices or two options, but not a single choice because if it's single it's not a choice. Then... they'd walk away laughing that the entire world was going to fall into the chaos of war?? That doesn't make them at all sympathetic. It might be the only chance they have of saving their lives, but if that's the case you need to say *that*, IMO. Also, just me probably, not a big fan of for all sides, since right now you have two sides: her/her team vs the bad guys. 

Her choices are limited, reunite with her ex and attempt a fight they cannot win, or walk away alive and know their world could be plunged into the darkness of  war.

When it's put all together you get (trimmed to get close to 70 words!):

A year ago nineteen-year-old Krystin almost got her ex-boyfriend, Shawn, and her teammates killed. Now she discovers an evil darker than the demons they pursue making its insidious way into the city, a sign the prophecy joining her and Shawn is true. Her choices are limited, reunite with her ex and a face an enemy she cannot kill, or walk away alive and know war will overtake their world.

Actually, while that cleans up what you had I think it needs more oomph. Not sure you're showing enough of the rise of the conflict within your story. I'll be curious what others have to say.

Of course, it's just ONE opinion. Let's see what others have to say. :-)

Oh, and if this is YOUR pitch and you want to revise and have me post it, just drop me a line (my email is my blog title - elliewrites2 - in front of a gmail.com ending) and I'll add it up to the top.

Don't forget to visit the other blogs and leave a critique to be entered for a chance to win one of several start-of-manuscript or query critique opportunities.