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UPDATED PITCH:
Nineteen-year-old Krystin has always been told she’d be the hero who would team up with her true love to prevent a war that would make armageddon look like child’s play. But Krystin doesn’t believe it, and her “true love” almost died last year by her hands. It was an accident and now Krystin must reunite with him despite everything, or risk starting the very war she was supposed to prevent.
First revision:
Nineteen-year-old Krystin learned lessons about being a hero the hard way: be moral, don’t kill, and most of all, don’t let your friends get caught in the crosshairs. Krystin failed at all three. Now she must repair her relationship with her old flame, Shawn, to fulfill their prophecy for Good and save an ancient city from destruction, or risk starting a war that will make armageddon look like child’s play.
Original pitch for Never the Hero:
Title: Never the Hero
Genre: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Word-count: 61,000
Pitch: A year after she almost killed him and the rest of their demon-hunting team, nineteen year old Krystin discovers the prophecy she and her ex-boyfriend Shawn are a part of is coming true. They are left with a single choice: reunite and fight to save an ancient city from an evil darker than they were trained to handle, or walk away laughing, possibly starting the Final War for all sides.
Genre: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Word-count: 61,000
Pitch: A year after she almost killed him and the rest of their demon-hunting team, nineteen year old Krystin discovers the prophecy she and her ex-boyfriend Shawn are a part of is coming true. They are left with a single choice: reunite and fight to save an ancient city from an evil darker than they were trained to handle, or walk away laughing, possibly starting the Final War for all sides.
Okay here's my line by line take:
A year after she almost killed him and the rest of their demon-hunting team, nineteen year old Krystin discovers the prophecy she and her ex-boyfriend Shawn are a part of is coming true.
One: this is a really long sentence with a LOT of information in it. Two: you shouldn't use pronouns like 'she' and 'he' until you introduce the characters. So *just* changing the pronouns, it now reads:
A year after nineteen-year-old Krystin almost killed her ex-boyfriend and the rest of their demon-hunting team, she discovers the prophecy they are a part of is coming true.
That's a little tighter. Think about tightening this further by making the two parts into distinct sentences I pulled something from later in the pitch to show a sample of 'how':
A year ago nineteen-year-old Krystin almost got her ex-boyfriend and the rest of their demon hunting team killed. Now she discovers (HOW?) an evil darker than even the demons they were trained to handle making its insidious way into an ancient city. A sign the prophecy joining them is...
Not a big fan of coming true. Maybe just true?
Okay let's look at the next line:
They are left with a single choice: reunite and fight to save an ancient city from an evil darker than they were trained to handle, or walk away laughing, possibly starting the Final War for all sides.
First when you have a 'choice' then it can't be a single choice, it could be a set of choices or two options, but not a single choice because if it's single it's not a choice. Then... they'd walk away laughing that the entire world was going to fall into the chaos of war?? That doesn't make them at all sympathetic. It might be the only chance they have of saving their lives, but if that's the case you need to say *that*, IMO. Also, just me probably, not a big fan of for all sides, since right now you have two sides: her/her team vs the bad guys.
First when you have a 'choice' then it can't be a single choice, it could be a set of choices or two options, but not a single choice because if it's single it's not a choice. Then... they'd walk away laughing that the entire world was going to fall into the chaos of war?? That doesn't make them at all sympathetic. It might be the only chance they have of saving their lives, but if that's the case you need to say *that*, IMO. Also, just me probably, not a big fan of for all sides, since right now you have two sides: her/her team vs the bad guys.
Her choices are limited, reunite with her ex and attempt a fight they cannot win, or walk away alive and know their world could be plunged into the darkness of war.
When it's put all together you get (trimmed to get close to 70 words!):
A year ago nineteen-year-old Krystin almost got her ex-boyfriend, Shawn,
and her teammates killed. Now she discovers an evil darker than the demons they
pursue making its insidious way into the city, a sign the prophecy joining her
and Shawn is true. Her choices are limited, reunite with her ex and a face
an enemy she cannot kill, or walk away alive and know war will overtake their world.
Actually, while that cleans up what you had I think it needs more oomph. Not sure you're showing enough of the rise of the conflict within your story. I'll be curious what others have to say.
Actually, while that cleans up what you had I think it needs more oomph. Not sure you're showing enough of the rise of the conflict within your story. I'll be curious what others have to say.
Of course, it's just ONE opinion. Let's see what others have to say. :-)
Oh, and if this is YOUR pitch and you want to revise and have me post it, just drop me a line (my email is my blog title - elliewrites2 - in front of a gmail.com ending) and I'll add it up to the top.
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How can I improve on what Ellie said?? Everything I noticed she mentioned in way more detail than I could give!
ReplyDeleteI agree the first sentence is too long, and I also don't like the 'walk away laughing' phrase when all seems doomed. It makes me dislike the MC for being callous.
Anyways, good luck! Seems like it has promise :-)
That's my pitch. I didn't mean for her to sound callous haha, my bad :) It's more of a "you put me through THIS and you want me to HELP you? Yeah, okay" than anything else. Thank you for your comments!
ReplyDeleteI like the updated pitch, but I think it can be better. In sentence # 1, you say she learned things "the hard way: be moral" -- that doesn't make sense. How is being moral the hard way? Maybe just cut the "be moral" part and it will work better.
ReplyDeleteThe end of the updated pitch, "to fulfill their prophecy for Good and save an ancient city from destruction, or risk starting a war that will make armageddon look like child’s play," is too vague for me. I know getting details into 70 words is nearly impossible, but the word "prophecy" makes the story seem cliche and we don't know anything about this big war (who is fighting? why?) -- we know the stakes, but not the what, who, or why.
I'd try rewriting that sentence so that it answers the "what, who, why" and delete the "prophecy" + vague huge war.
I think you're close. This sounds interesting and has potential. Best of luck!
I do like the re-worked pitch, but for some reason there is a disconnect happening from how it starts to where it finishes. I am thinking it is nice that you talk about what she has learned l, but more context of what exactly happened might help for me. I just feel left hanging by that description.
ReplyDeleteLast sentence though = perfect.
I do like the re-worked pitch, but for some reason there is a disconnect happening from how it starts to where it finishes. I am thinking it is nice that you talk about what she has learned l, but more context of what exactly happened might help for me. I just feel left hanging by that description.
ReplyDeleteLast sentence though = perfect.
Hi! Thanks for your comments :) Again, that is my pitch! I'm really having a problem with this. In some ways, the twitter pitches I've been doing for all the Twitter contests lately were easier. Is this any better? :
ReplyDeleteNineteen-year-old Krystin has always been told she’d be the hero who would team up with her true love to prevent a war that would make armageddon look like child’s play. But Krystin doesn’t believe it, and her “true love” almost died last year by her hands. It was an accident and now Krystin must reunite with him despite everything, or risk starting the very war she was supposed to prevent.
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI was crazy busy end of last week (and it's not *quite* over) but i'll take a look at this as soon as I can! Like the third version but you might want to say he almost died by her action, not at her hands.
Sorry for the delay. Here are my notes:
ReplyDeleteNineteen-year-old Krystin has always been told she’d be the hero who would team up with her true love to prevent a war that would make armageddon look like child’s play.
Think about making the start of this stronger and more direct:
The foretelling said nineteen-year-old Krystin would team up with her true love to prevent Armageddon.
Then the rest of this is good, but I would change the 'by her hand' to her by her fault or something which puts the blame on her. Actually, I pulled some of the details which make your story unique back in and redid it. Not sure this is in your voice, but it shows her growth from disbelief to belief and the cause for that. Hope this makes sense:
The foretelling said nineteen-year-old Krystin would team up with her true love to prevent Armageddon. Krystin never believed it. In fact last year her actions almost killed him along with most of her demon-hunting unit. Now, with an evil greater than even the demons she's trained to fight rising, Krystin recognizes the truth of the prophecy and works to reunite with her ex to prevent war from obliterating her world.
Ack I want to add a tag line like, too bad he doesn't trust her. or too bad he refuses to help her.... a personal tension at the end would help kick it up a bit. Hmm..
All her life, nineteen-year-old Krystin was told she'd team up with her true love to prevent Armageddon. Krystin never believed it. In fact last year her actions almost killed him and her unit. Now, with an evil invading the city, Krystin believes and seeks him out. But he has demands of his own. Krystin must decide what she's willing to risk to in order to save the world.
Not sure if it's demands or distrust or... whatever, but moving it down to a more personal level can't hurt.
Hope this helps. Take what works and 'pitch' the rest. :-)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNo worries! Thank you so much for your comments and suggestions :)
ReplyDeleteI took what you said and tweaked it a little. Does this read as good, or is it a step in the wrong direction?
For years, nineteen-year-old Krystin was told she'd team up with her true love, Shawn, to prevent Armageddon. As a result of questioning it, her actions almost killed him. Now, with allies and foes swapping masks to raise evil, Krystin has no choice but to believe in her destiny. Unfortunately for her, that means forcing a reunion with Shawn and deciding what’s worth risking to keep war from obliterating their world.
(I deleted my previous comment because I realized I posted the wrong version of the pitch.)
Not sure this is any better:
ReplyDeleteFor years, nineteen-year-old Krystin was told she was destined to prevent Armageddon along side her true love, Shawn. Except he left when her disbelief in the prophecy almost killed him. Discovering that an unimaginable evil is being raised, Krystin finally embraces her destiny. Unfortunately for her, she has to reunite with Shawn first. Only together can they take the risk that could save the world. Or die trying.
I like that a lot! I'm just going to switch it to "Except she left when her disbelief in the prophecy almost killed him" because it's Krystin that skips town.
ReplyDeleteAgain, thank you so much for hosting this pitch workshop! Now just to wait until Monday :D
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI did a quick check of the contest and didn't see you! Hope you make it in.
Oh, wait, found you!! :-)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm way down on the list beause I almost forgot what day it was when the window opened! I had to do it last minute before work haha. Being late = totally worth it for this :)
ReplyDelete