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UPDATED PITCH 10/1:
Title: Starting With Amber <--- note change
Genre: Contemporary YA
Teenage Seth and his family are thrown into a media feeding frenzy when his child-star sister is abducted from their grandios family home. As the investigation deepens and the time for finding his sister runs out, Seth must decide if being the only person who knows where she is and why is worth the price of the family secrets.
So here is the ORIGINAL PITCH of Staring with Amber:
Title: Staring With Amber
Genre: Contemporary YA
Pitch: A brutal abduction of a child star. A media feeding frenzy. Everyone is asking where Annalise is, but there seem to be a whole lot of other answers coming up instead, because everyone in town has a secret, and they're all connected to each other, one way or another. Only teenager brother Seth knows where his sister really is and why.
Before I suggest anything I just had a couple of general comments.
One, I'm not sure about the title. How does one use amber to stare? Plus there's no reference to Amber at all in the pitch. Was there, perhaps, a typo? Is the title supposed to be Starring with Amber, which make a little more sense as you do have a child 'star', although I'm not quite sure who Amber is. I think having some link to the title in the pitch is helpful.
Length is a bit on the short side but not unreasonably short. (The Swivet has a great post on *her* take on genres and novel lengths which I've found really helpful. Yes, it's just one agent's 'take' but still useful, IMO.)
Okay, onto the meat.
This seems to be a pitch about someone who is abducted, the underbelly of the town (she was abducted in? she grew up in?) and, oh, she has a brother who knows where she is and why.
Line by line break down:
A brutal abduction of a child star.
Is this person the main character? If so you might want to say 'teenage star'. If not then you may need to rewrite this. Right now, given she's the first person I'm introduced to AND she's the focus of these first couple of sentences, I'm thinking Annalise is the main character.
A media feeding frenzy.
I'm not sure you need this here. You may be better served to put it later and tie it into the 'answers coming up'.
Everyone <-- This is too vague, you need a specific person/entity. For instance you could merge this with the previous sentence and say 'The Media is asking...'.
is asking where Annalise is, but there seem to be a whole lot of other answers coming up instead, because everyone in town has a secret, and they're all connected to each other, one way or another.
You need to break this sentence down into smaller, clearer bits:
is asking where Annalise is,
but there seem to be a whole lot of other answers coming up instead,
I found this awkwardly phrased. And, to be honest, I'm not sure what this has to do with your main character, Annalise. I think you need to keep your focus on her, not what is going on around her, unless there is a direct tie?
because everyone in town has a secret,
Connect this in someway to the story--> say Seth is keeping a secret, his sister's whereabout or some to tie this to the main character. Right now the focus is on the town and the people, and not the journey of your protagonist.
and they're all connected to each other, one way or another.
I love this idea, but you should tighten it, make it more impact by making it visual --> and they're all connected like threads in a spider's web OR, again, making it relevant to the protagonist --> And Annalise's secret is the one they can't afford to have uncovered.
I think you need a stronger ending here, leave us with what BAD thing would happen if the secret comes out and wondering what the lengths are people are willing to go through to keep it hidden perhaps. Or tell us more about why Seth is keeping this secret and his stake in the outcome of either her remaining hidden or being found.
Going on what you have (and not having a clue on the rest of the book -- I apologize in advance if this is way off!) here's a possible rewrite:
When teen star Annalise is kidnapped only her brother Seth knows the truth of where she is and why. As the media frenzy builds and journalists uncover secrets their town wants hidden, they must decide if Annalise's secret is theirs to tell. Or if keeping the truth hidden is worth the price their friends and family are paying.
Still not sure that shows enough of her journey, but it's a jumping off point if you want to use it. Again, I don't know the story so this could be terribly off!
Now, that's just ONE opinion. Let's see what others have to say. :-)
Oh, and if this is YOUR pitch and you want to revise and have me post it, just drop me a line (my email is my blog title - elliewrites2 - in front of a gmail.com ending) and I'll add it up to the top.
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